FRIEND MIX

FRIENDS WEAR OUT. IT’S NOT A CONSCIOUS THING, YOU STOP MEETING EVERY WEEK AND THEN IT BECOMES EASIER NOT TO KEEP IN TOUCH. EVENTUALLY, AT THE OF A LONG LIFE, THEY STAND LIKE DISTANT MILE POSTS, MARKING THE PASSAGE OF TIME. OF COURSE, MANY DIE ALONG THE WAY, AND ITS THOUGHT YOU MUST BE LUCKY IF YOU OUT LIVE THEM. I DON’T HOLD WITH THAT CONTENTION. ITS UNLUCKY IF YOU OUTLIVE YOUR SOCIAL RELEVANCE. I CHOOSE TO STAY IN BED, AND THINK OF THE OLD DAYS… AS IF THEY ONCE EXISTED AND CAN STILL BE SUMMONED BY FORCE OF WILL.

ANYWAY HAPPY SUNDAY. GO WITH THE GRACE OF YOUR GOD.

DALE M

BOWIE BANGERS

When I was younger I always went to gigs on my own. I had no idea why this was at the time, I just preferred it. Now I realise why. Music was my religion and gigs were my holy communion. I did not want my religious reverie reflected through the prism of someone else’s experience. I wanted my God, in this case David Bowie, to speak directly to me. I did not want to look to the person I was with, to see if they were getting it. I don’t know whether or not I was weird, I don’t know if I was showing signs of adhd or aspergers, or on the autistic spectrum…. labels didn’t come in until the 1990’s. I was just being me. Even beyond the sanctified arena of the gig, I was basically happier as a lone wolf. When I went to dances or discos if you will, I went alone and met up with a group of girls once inside. It was not in my nature to need a partner in crime. I was always more comfortable with female company. I saw this in very basic terms. I wasn’t sexually or emotionally interested in men, so why would I deliberately hang out with them… What’s in it for me? Obviously, there were circumstance where I needed the company of men, in sport mostly, team sports require a team. I loved rugby and football and played every weekend, but it was the game I loved not the clubbable atmosphere. I found the booze up after the game boorish and always left early. I went to the villa matches with my mate Gary… but we never stood together at the actual match. He went up the back of the Holte to be with the bovver boys and I stood alone in the middle to commune with my team in private.

None of this behaviour struck me as odd, but as an old man now, I’m surprised that I was allowed to get away with it at the time. Nobody ever called me out on it, which either suggests that I was called out behind my back or that I was naturally a good actor, and appeared to fit in easy for the rest of the time.

Marie was very much like me in temperament. She saw life in spiritual terms as well, hence her interest in the mystery schools and Gurdjieff. Which is probably why we were only really suited to each other. We were able to occupy each others solitude.

Anyway, here’s 20 bangers from bowie’s discography. Enjoy. Try not to cry.

Dale m

CONTEMPLATE

When my beloved was so shockingly taken from me, on that dark night of my soul, I was forced to lock away a lot of the despair, simply put, I tried to keep moving forward. The darkness I kept in Pandora’s box, was that without her life had no meaning. The way I managed to keep this black void out of my conscious thought was to cling on to my friend Janet. She allowed me to grab meaning from the simple two-step moving out of the darkness. Do I mean cling? I think so. It was comforting to have that other person to project upon. She became all the good things I could think of… but also all the bad. I placed her in an impossible position which she manfully laboured under for 4 years. She has finally realised that this was no longer a role she could continue with… I don’t blame her, but I do thank her.

So, I have now to face forward without a crutch, in essence its all about me now. She would say it was ever thus… maybe she would be right, I hope not, I would hope that I was cognoscente of her needs too… but maybe that’s just my pride. It means finding my own way, at last, and that is quite scary. I have very rarely been on my own. It requires a new mindset and I’m not sure I have it in me, but there is only one way to find out. Do it.

I’m doing it. But I want to thank Janet, she has been a true and trusted friend and partner, and deserves better than me.

Dale m