THE ART OF FALLING FROM GRACE

The slow, empty cadence of the Tutor’s drone

matched the delicious rumble of my taut belly,

as a dozen pints of union lager slowly settled,

and the gentle thrum of a distant isle,

folded me exquisitely into the land of Nod.

A jolt! A pointed elbow in the ribs,

promoted an ignominious belch to expire,

my eyes opened and all eyes were upon me…

and the questioning leer from behind the tutor’s steel-rimmed glasses,

brought me sharply back into the room.

A sociological principle was beyond my call,

the owner of the elbow pointed at her notes,

desperate to stave off my patent ignorance:

I chanced upon a vacuous answer:

“Oh yes I whole-heartedly agree… sir!

He looked disappointed with me, bless, as I had failed,

to spot the salient point of Marxist dogma,

the point at which I could usually be relied upon,

To thrust forward my working-class treatise…

but my mind was elsewhere!

In the bleary blast of the union not half-hour since,

I’d been promised such earthly delights

that no sensible working -class hero could hold fast,

to dreams of social emancipation,

when the lure of sexual expansion glittered ahead.

Dale M.

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MY BEAUTIFUL MARIE (TWO YEARS ON)

image

TONIGHT  MY BEAUTIFUL MARIE (TANYA)  WAS KILLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT. I DON’T KNOW HOW I CAN CONTINUE WITHOUT HER.

SHE IS MY SOULMATE AND MADE THE WORLD BEARABLE.

the stars look very different tonight

DALE

ONE YEAR ON

This may seem incredible, but I didn’t anticipate that the anniversary would cause me any kind of emotional turmoil. After all, I’d got through Christmas and New Year relatively unscathed, thanks for the most part to my special girl, Janet, and I stupidly thought I can handle this now. So it came as some surprise that on awakening this morning I could NOT stop crying.  If you would have asked me a year ago how I thought I’d be handling it now, I would have said I wouldn’t still be here!  So that’s progress of sorts. The truth is losing your one and only soul mate, feels like having limbs removed. It doesn’t matter how well you get on with other people or how close they become… They still feel like a prosthetic. This is doubly harsh to both parties… You feel a cad for not being able to accept the difference, and they feel that they can never live up to your expectations. In reality, you do not expect them to be the one you  loved with all your heart, they are not a replacement, but they are a godsend! My Janet has been an absolute Godsend. I do not deserve to have such a wonderful person in my life. She is patient, supportive, strong and resilient, even when I mess her about with the mercurial nature of my Affections. One day, I am totally there with her, then the next I feeling guilty because I feel I’m betraying Marie. She has stuck with me through all my moods and melancholia, and remained steadfast. God bless you Janet, please stay in my life. I’m a shell without you.

Grief is what you make it. It can overwhelm you or it can push you forward, So far it has mostly overwhelmed me, for months I painted for eight hours a day, then in spring I fished for eight hours a day… All to stop me reliving the moment over and over again.

I still don’t have normal emotions, still don’t feel like a normal person, mostly I feel numb but try to portray normality. I know it’s not working. Now that my money has almost gone, I have to face up to my toughest challenge. Do I sign on for dole (govt payments) and hand my life over to the vagaries of the state; do I claim sickness, I have major problems with my back and depression, but again that allows the govt to get involved in my life; or do I get a job? Not easy these days, sixty year old’s are not in high demand in the job market.

I hate the idea of the govt. stipulating what hoops I have to jump through to get money to live on, I’d rather work, but the manual work I’ve done since leaving University is no longer an option, and who is going to employ me to do the things I want  to do : Painting, writing or acting?

This is the life I have left, I have to do something, but after a year of naval gazing I’m still no closer to solution.

Roll the dice, make a choice and move on.

love and best wishes to you all.

DALE BELOVED PARTNER OF MARIE


TWO YEARS ON

Is it possible to find peace?

This day is like a missing tooth in a cog… it clunks around and the world stops again.

As I wrote this the doorbell rang twice yet the street was empty, the electric turned off and she announces her presence.

I am still perplexed that she cannot speak to me, yet she is often present.

I am still rudderless, not understanding my role in the forthcoming crazy new world,

but I have to stay here, as long as I am loved I have a role.

My love remains pure.

SADNESS IS CAUSED BY NOT BEING WITH HER.

DALE M WE WITH J

SHE KNEW I’D BE ME

SHE KNEW I’D BE ME

I USED TO SAY TO MY MARIE,

I’D BE A HEARTBEAT BEHIND HER,

IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO HER,

SHE WOULD SIGH AND SMILE,

LIKE I WAS A CHILD,

SUCKING UP TO GRANDMA,

FOR A BOWL OF SWEETS.

SHE KNEW THE TRUTH,

I WOULD NEVER LEAVE A JOB HALF-DONE,

THE PERSON I AM TAKES RESPONSIBLITY,

I HAVE PEOPLE WHO NEED ME,

MORE THAN HER IN THE NEXT WORLD…

WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN,

LOVE CONQUERS ALL.

LOVE TAKES IN ALL,

IT IS NOT SELFISH.

LEAVING THIS WORLD,

AND CAUSING MORE HURT,

WOULD GO AGAINST EVERYTHING,

I BELIEVE IN.

SURE SEEMS SEDUCTIVE THOUGH.

DALE M

HOMESICK BLUES

HOMESICK BLUES

NOWHERE IS HOME WITHOUT YOU,

LEFT BEREFT, LIKE A HAT WITHOUT A HEAD,

I WAS THE GLOSS AND BLUSTER,

YOU WERE THE BRICKS AND MORTAR…

THE RESILIENCE I ALWAYS LACKED

THE GLUE THAT HELD MY FLAKES

TOGETHER.

I YEARN FOR YOUR KISS,

YOUR ARMS, YOUR UNENDING CHARMS,

NEVER TO BE ALONE AGAINST THE WORLD,

BUT THAT’S ALL GONE NOW!

THE JOLT, THE SPARK ,

NOTHING IS HERE BUT YESTERDAY…

AND TOMORROW SWOONS,

LIKE AN UNTIED BALLOON.

DALE ‘M’

THE SPIDER’S WEB

spider-on-web-clipart

Two little words is all it would take

To lead me into this terrible place

“I will” were the words I cannot erase

Said by us both in a loving embrace

But the words that he said were empty and hollow

If only I’d known what path he would follow

So there I was, trapped, in a big spiders web

Thoughts and images spun through my head

Struggling to get free but tired and worn

Remembering arguments filled with such scorn

It started quite slowly the drip, drip of contempt

Didn’t like how I dressed or my cooking attempts

My friends had all told me “Don’t marry this man”

“You don’t know each other, you don’t know his game plan”

The game was quite simple, so it turned out

But we lived in my house so I couldn’t walk out

Belittle my efforts and crush my self worth

Making my life a complete hell on earth

The end of the game was his fake “suicide”

Staged to make me hurry to be at his side

I called his “ex” girlfriend, not really the past

And all the pretence was over at last

He’d been seeing her too, throughout our disaster

So she made urgent haste to be with her master

We all had a meeting to decide what to do

She wanted him, I didn’t, so of they both flew

To a love nest they’d built, in Scotland I think

Where they both celebrated with whisky to drink

We’d both danced to his tune but my lesson was learnt

Don’t play with fire or you might just get burnt

J we with D

REPRODUCED FROM WINTER JASMINE

https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/170907741/posts/73

A DUSTING

A DUSTING

THE FIRST SMATTERING OF SNOW

AND I’M TRANSPORTED BACK TO BRUEGEL,

HUNTERS IN THE SNOW,

MY FAVOURITE PAINTING,

SO EVOCATIVE OF PREVIOUS LIVES,

A NOSTALGIA FOR THE RUSSIAN STEPPE,

WHERE MARIA WAS MY MISHKA,

MY HUSBAND AND BELOVED…

AND THE SNOW ENVELOPED OUR WORLD…

A LONG TIME AGO…

HERE’S TO THE NEXT LIFE TOGETHER.

DALE M WE WITH J