Having spent my first xmas on this planet without Marie on it, there is only one more first left traverse, the first anniversary of her Death. This time last year I was in the middle of a series of events where one problem led to another, each becoming more and more serious.
It began with the dog. We, Marie and I were going to go to a gig in Glasgow. It was a weird one, Marie had it in her mind that we should go and see a viking band, Heilung,
we had booked a hotel for the weekend, and planned to revisit Kelvingrove Art Musuem, then go to the gig, move up to Edinburgh on the Sunday to visit musuems etc. It was all bought and paid for. Then Freya cut her paw whilst out walking. She had stitches at the vets, but the stitches came out, and Marie wouldn’t leave her baby with my daughter for the weekend. So we lost two hundred pounds worth of holiday, to stay at home with out ailing Border Collie. She split her stitches three times, and the vet bills were nearly £600 .
That was the first event. Then my laptop blew up. The motherboard was broken. My laptop was out of commission for over a month as they couldn’t get a replacement over the holiday period. Then my glasses broke in half. Luckily, the glasses were still under warranty, so I was able to get them replaced without cost. Then I knocked our clock off the table and broke it. The clock had been with us from the beginning. On the 27th December, the car blew up whilst Marie was out shopping. It was kaput. We had to get a new car. On January 1st, we spent our Bank Holiday travelling to Bolton to buy a new car. £3000 lighter, the new year seemed to be following the trajectory of December.
On the 3rd of January, I came home from work and woke Marie, who worked nights, with a cup of tea. An hour later I got a phone call from my daughter Amy. Her Mum, my ex-wife was ill, the symptoms suggesting she’d had a stroke. I offered to have the Baby, Phoenix, whilst she went to the hospital with her Mother. I took Marie her 2nd cup of tea. I told her what was occurring, that Phoenix would be arriving shortly and that Gail had had a stroke.
“My God, could your luck get any worse?” Marie said.
When the baby came down, she was quite whiny. She cried for about an hour. Marie got dressed ready to go to work. She came down and offered to hold the baby, whilst I went out and had a cigarette.
Whilst Marie was upstairs, I put Phoenix down in her cot, which at that time, was in the living room, as we looked after the baby every Saturday whilst Amy went to work. Marie came down to see me sitting in the dark, writing on my little replacement laptop, Marie came over kissed my head, then went back upstairs to fetch my bedside lamp. She put it down beside me, she then gave me a proper kiss and said I love you. I smiled and said,
“I love you too.” She left to go to work. The baby screamed. She would not be going to sleep. At eleven O’clock, I had a knock on the door. I opened it with the baby in my arms, to find a male and female police officer stood there. My immediate reaction was,
Oh shit, Gail’s died. The police came in. Told me to sit down. They brought out Marie’s handbag. Then I knew. I thought they wanted me to go identify her. They wouldn’t let me. The rest is horrible and I’m not going to elucidate further.
In the space of a few weeks, my whole life unravelled. This doesn’t seem statistically viable. It is a series of events which defies logic. Yet it happened. There were more things which broke but I can’t remember it all, I’ve been blocking it all out for a year. My conclusion is that there must have been some sort of cosmic karma going on, that we had some very dark past lives which required balancing.
I miss my beloved every day. Every second of every day. It helps that I know we travel through this world existence together. We have many lives together. So I know she will be there for me next time. In our next re-incarnation, I will make damn sure that we stay together forever, I will never let her go. Life without her is shit.
Getting beyond the third is my next goal. After that, I have to rejoin the human race.
Just remember, live in love.
Love is always the answer.