MY BEAUTIFUL MARIE (TWO YEARS ON)

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TONIGHT  MY BEAUTIFUL MARIE (TANYA)  WAS KILLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT. I DON’T KNOW HOW I CAN CONTINUE WITHOUT HER.

SHE IS MY SOULMATE AND MADE THE WORLD BEARABLE.

the stars look very different tonight

DALE

ONE YEAR ON

This may seem incredible, but I didn’t anticipate that the anniversary would cause me any kind of emotional turmoil. After all, I’d got through Christmas and New Year relatively unscathed, thanks for the most part to my special girl, Janet, and I stupidly thought I can handle this now. So it came as some surprise that on awakening this morning I could NOT stop crying.  If you would have asked me a year ago how I thought I’d be handling it now, I would have said I wouldn’t still be here!  So that’s progress of sorts. The truth is losing your one and only soul mate, feels like having limbs removed. It doesn’t matter how well you get on with other people or how close they become… They still feel like a prosthetic. This is doubly harsh to both parties… You feel a cad for not being able to accept the difference, and they feel that they can never live up to your expectations. In reality, you do not expect them to be the one you  loved with all your heart, they are not a replacement, but they are a godsend! My Janet has been an absolute Godsend. I do not deserve to have such a wonderful person in my life. She is patient, supportive, strong and resilient, even when I mess her about with the mercurial nature of my Affections. One day, I am totally there with her, then the next I feeling guilty because I feel I’m betraying Marie. She has stuck with me through all my moods and melancholia, and remained steadfast. God bless you Janet, please stay in my life. I’m a shell without you.

Grief is what you make it. It can overwhelm you or it can push you forward, So far it has mostly overwhelmed me, for months I painted for eight hours a day, then in spring I fished for eight hours a day… All to stop me reliving the moment over and over again.

I still don’t have normal emotions, still don’t feel like a normal person, mostly I feel numb but try to portray normality. I know it’s not working. Now that my money has almost gone, I have to face up to my toughest challenge. Do I sign on for dole (govt payments) and hand my life over to the vagaries of the state; do I claim sickness, I have major problems with my back and depression, but again that allows the govt to get involved in my life; or do I get a job? Not easy these days, sixty year old’s are not in high demand in the job market.

I hate the idea of the govt. stipulating what hoops I have to jump through to get money to live on, I’d rather work, but the manual work I’ve done since leaving University is no longer an option, and who is going to employ me to do the things I want  to do : Painting, writing or acting?

This is the life I have left, I have to do something, but after a year of naval gazing I’m still no closer to solution.

Roll the dice, make a choice and move on.

love and best wishes to you all.

DALE BELOVED PARTNER OF MARIE


TWO YEARS ON

Is it possible to find peace?

This day is like a missing tooth in a cog… it clunks around and the world stops again.

As I wrote this the doorbell rang twice yet the street was empty, the electric turned off and she announces her presence.

I am still perplexed that she cannot speak to me, yet she is often present.

I am still rudderless, not understanding my role in the forthcoming crazy new world,

but I have to stay here, as long as I am loved I have a role.

My love remains pure.

SADNESS IS CAUSED BY NOT BEING WITH HER.

DALE M WE WITH J

HOMESICK BLUES

HOMESICK BLUES

NOWHERE IS HOME WITHOUT YOU,

LEFT BEREFT, LIKE A HAT WITHOUT A HEAD,

I WAS THE GLOSS AND BLUSTER,

YOU WERE THE BRICKS AND MORTAR…

THE RESILIENCE I ALWAYS LACKED

THE GLUE THAT HELD MY FLAKES

TOGETHER.

I YEARN FOR YOUR KISS,

YOUR ARMS, YOUR UNENDING CHARMS,

NEVER TO BE ALONE AGAINST THE WORLD,

BUT THAT’S ALL GONE NOW!

THE JOLT, THE SPARK ,

NOTHING IS HERE BUT YESTERDAY…

AND TOMORROW SWOONS,

LIKE AN UNTIED BALLOON.

DALE ‘M’

HEAVEN PLAYLIST

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HEAVEN PLAYLIST

  1. HEAVEN & SEAS – XMAL DEUTSCHLAND
  2. HEAVENLY CREATURES – WOLF ALICE
  3. HEAVENS IN HERE – TIN MACHINE
  4. HEAVEN – TALKING HEADS
  5. HEAVEN AND ALCHEMY – SIOUXSIE
  6. MONKEY GONE TO HEAVEN – PIXIES
  7. HEAVENLY NOBODIES – LUSH
  8. STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN – LED ZEPPELIN
  9. ANYWHERE LIKE HEAVEN – JAMES TAYLOR
  10. HEAVENLY – ILYA
  11. LET’S MAKE A BOMB – HEAVEN 17
  12. MY BLUE HEAVEN – GLENN MILLER
  13. BREATH AWAY FROM HEAVEN – GEORGE HARRISON
  14. HEAVEN KNOWS – FIRST AID KIT
  15. HEAVEN ON EARTH – FAT WHITE FAMILY
  16. TEARS IN HEAVEN – ERIC CLAPTON
  17. HEAVEN IS WAITING – DANSE SOCIETY
  18. JUST LIKE HEAVEN – THE CURE
  19. THE MAKER OF HEAVENLY TROUSERS – THE CRANES
  20. HEAVEN OR LAS VEGAS – COCTEAU TWINS

on this day of all days there is a  message of hope, please hold that hope in your heart, for fear is the worst emotion to give in to …

DALE ‘M’ we with j

CROWDED HOUSE PLAYLIST

crowdedhouse

CROWDED HOUSE PLAYLIST

  1. WORLD WHERE YOU LIVE
  2. DON’T DREAM IT’S OVER
  3. I FEEL POSSESSED
  4. INTO TEMPTATION
  5. WHEN YOU COME
  6. BETTER BE HOME SOON
  7. IT’S ONLY NATURAL
  8. FALL AT YOUR FEET
  9. WEATHER WITH YOU
  10. FOUR SEASONS IN ONE DAY
  11. KARE KARE
  12. NAILS IN MY FEET
  13. FINGERS OF LOVE
  14. PINEAPPLE HEAD
  15. PRIVATE UNIVERSE
  16. DISTANT SUN
  17. CATHERINE WHEELS
  18. TOGETHER ALONE
  19. DON’T STOP NOW
  20. YOU ARE THE ONE TO MAKE ME CRY

 

FINGERS OF LOVE WAS OUR SONG… I STILL CAN’T LISTEN TO IT.

DALE ‘M’ WE WITH J

WHY?

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WHY?

WHY IN LIFE DID WE HAVE A TELEPATHIC UNITY?

AND YET IN DEATH YOU CANNOT REACH ME…

IT’S BEWILDERING,

I FEEL SOUL-STRIPPED…

AN EMPTY SPACE,

LIKE A STROKE VICTIM.

I CANNOT ACCESS THE YOU SPACE IN MY MIND.

HALF LOST,

FLOUNDERING IN MY OWN QUANTUM SPACE,

YET YOU ARE ALL AROUND ME,

YOU TOUCH THOSE STILL WITH ME,

YOU CAN BREAK THROUGH THEIR HEADS…

BUT NOT MINE.

LIKE THESEUS IN THE LABYRINTH…

BUT WITHOUT THE TWINE,

IN LIFE WE EXISTED AS A DOUBLE HELIX…

IN DEATH I AM LEFT ALONE.

 

DALE ‘M’  WE WITH J

THE ANVIL ON MY CHEST

ANVIL

 

THE ANVIL ON MY CHEST

Watching the world go by…

dreaming of an excursion

A way to escape this dark room,

But for this big black anvil,

Crushing the wanderlust in my chest.

Each day that dawns

Taunts me with iridescent skies,

Come play with me,

But this stone of Scone…

Bids me to stay,

Tarry awhile, let the world go…

There is nothing there for you.

 

Nothing will come of nothing,

I say to nobody in particular,

and know the answer lies within,

but I can choke off that reality,

Because without you…

nothing matters more

Than the empty vacuum of my soul.

 

A RESPONSE TO THE BIG BLACK DOG.

DALE ‘M’  WE WITH ‘J’

AWAKE

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AWAKE

I took a year off. I didn’t want to be beholden. I had so much stuff to sort out in my inner space, I couldn’t or wouldn’t allow these decisions to be influenced by external bodies. I couldn’t work… How could I go back to driving up and down Cheshire every day, when my beloved had been killed by one of the accursed tractor which had long been the bane of my driving days? Each one I met would be a sword in my side. So for three months I took sick pay, went and got a sick note from my friendly doctor, and worked out what next. After months of wrangling, I got access to our bank accounts, to car insurance and life insurance… I had a wad. A back stop. I worked out that I could not afford the rent on our home, the cash would not last long enough. So I gave up my home, my job, my whole life in the old town. I came home. I moved in with my parents and eked out my capital, and lasted a year. I didn’t not claim Universal Credit. I knew that would expect me to attend job search interviews and all the other hoops that you have to jump through and I thought no… I’m not going to have my grief controlled by an external body that does not care a jot about me. Same with Doctors. Once I gave up my job, I didn’t need to see a doctor, although I did need to in reality, I just didn’t want the labels they would give me. Clinically depressed… To add to my bad blood, (too much iron), my chronic back and neck pain, caused by spondalitis and stenosis, and by a crushed vertebrae in my neck, my chronic stomach condition… no doubt made worse by alcohol consumption… It was easier to self-medicate, I had pain killers on script. So tonight I’m awake. I have to go to a doctor tomorrow. Explain everything. It’s daunting. Just like going to the bank last week…

I’m having anxiety attacks. I will explain everything to him/her and they will agree with my prognosis, and hopefully agree I’m not fit to work. Then Friday I will take his sick note to Universal Credit and I will be back in the society, beholden to rules.

I have a plan, or rather we have a plan… because I cannot talk of an I when I am now a we. We will make art together and make whatever we can from that. And we will take trips. Do things as a WE. I have Marie’s blessing, she has orchestrated it… Such is her way.

When she finished with me back in 1977, she arranged for my old girlfriend to come up and look after me. That is/was her way. Bloody control freak! You know what I said to her then?

” I want you! Nobody else!”

Alas and alack… this no longer an option. Janet is my new other. She has played her hand so well, smacked my arse and called me Susan ( private joke). I have been an absolute arsehole the last twelve months, head up my arse, vacillating between tragedy and farce, stuff I can’t say, but she knows anyway… So close.

I’m going back to my painting, but not as a means to shut the noise out of my head, but because it’s what I love, and I will write and even listen to my beloved music collection, which is still so fucking hard, every other song makes me cry.

So I will get out of bed tomorrow, I will go to the doctors, I will face the depression which everyone but me has already accepted. I will go cap in hand to the state, in the hope I can keep my head above water, and I will make my paintings pay. I will go back to Amsterdam, even though it’s Marie’s city, and I will tie it up with a bow and connect it with Bruges and Ypres and wherever else I want to see.

Death is not an option.

Dale beloved of ‘M’ …we to J

LULLABY

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LULLABY

SLEEP MY SWEET ANGEL

AND IN YOUR SLUMBER

REMEMBER IT IS I

FOR WHOM YOU WAIT.

 

YOU LEFT EARLY FOR YOUR REST

AND I REMAINED ANXIOUS TO COMPLETE

THE TASK FOR WHICH I WAS CONSIGNED…

AND YOURS IS WELL DONE AND REPLETE.

 

WOULD I KNEW YOUR SWEET REFRAIN,

WHICH COULD YET CHARM ME TO JOIN,

BUT IT IS LOST AMONGST THE FALLING RAIN,

AND STILL I HAVE LINES YET TO COIN.

 

IN SLEEP YOUR VOICE STILL RINGS TRUE,

DESPITE THE DARKNESS OF THE HOUR,

I MURMUR THE THRENODY BACK TO YOU,

AND HEAR YOUR LAUGHTER THROUGH THE SHOWER.

 

I ONLY CHIME IN UNISON WITH YOUR TUNE,

I ONLY HOLD TIGHT TO YOUR LINGERING LOVE.

DALE ‘M’

 

 

MY BEAUTIFUL MARIE (ONE YEAR ON)

IMG_1274

TONIGHT  MY BEAUTIFUL MARIE (TANYA)  WAS KILLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT. I DON’T KNOW HOW I CAN CONTINUE WITHOUT HER.

SHE IS MY SOULMATE AND MADE THE WORLD BEARABLE.

the stars look very different tonight

DALE

ONE YEAR ON

This may seem incredible, but I didn’t anticipate that the anniversary would cause me any kind of emotional turmoil. After all, I’d got through Christmas and New Year relatively unscathed, thanks for the most part to my special girl, Janet, and I stupidly thought I can handle this now. So it came as some surprise that on awakening this morning I could NOT stop crying.  If you would have asked me a year ago how I thought I’d be handling it now, I would have said I wouldn’t still be here!  So that’s progress of sorts. The truth is losing your one and only soul mate, feels like having limbs removed. It doesn’t matter how well you get on with other people or how close they become… They still feel like a prosthetic. This is doubly harsh to both parties… You feel a cad for not being able to accept the difference, and they feel that they can never live up to your expectations. In reality, you do not expect them to be the one you  loved with all your heart, they are not a replacement, but they are a godsend! My Janet has been an absolute Godsend. I do not deserve to have such a wonderful person in my life. She is patient, supportive, strong and resilient, even when I mess her about with the mercurial nature of my Affections. One day, I am totally there with her, then the next I feeling guilty because I feel I’m betraying Marie. She has stuck with me through all my moods and melancholia, and remained steadfast. God bless you Janet, please stay in my life. I’m a shell without you.

Grief is what you make it. It can overwhelm you or it can push you forward, So far it has mostly overwhelmed me, for months I painted for eight hours a day, then in spring I fished for eight hours a day… All to stop me reliving the moment over and over again.

I still don’t have normal emotions, still don’t feel like a normal person, mostly I feel numb but try to portray normality. I know it’s not working. Now that my money has almost gone, I have to face up to my toughest challenge. Do I sign on for dole (govt payments) and hand my life over to the vagaries of the state; do I claim sickness, I have major problems with my back and depression, but again that allows the govt to get involved in my life; or do I get a job? Not easy these days, sixty year old’s are not in high demand in the job market.

I hate the idea of the govt. stipulating what hoops I have to jump through to get money to live on, I’d rather work, but the manual work I’ve done since leaving University is no longer an option, and who is going to employ me to do the things I want  to do : Painting, writing or acting?

This is the life I have left, I have to do something, but after a year of naval gazing I’m still no closer to solution.

Roll the dice, make a choice and move on.

love and best wishes to you all.

DALE BELOVED PARTNER OF MARIE

 

WHERE LOVE TAKES YOU

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WHERE LOVE TAKES YOU

IT WAS ALWAYS THE GOAL TO LOVE COMPLETELY,

TO MOVE BEYOND THE WISTFUL YEARNING,

TO COMMIT WHOLE-HEARTEDLY TO ONE,

THE ONE AND ONLY, ONE.

 

AND SO I PRESSED, BODY AND SOUL,

EVERYTHING INTO THE UPLIFTING OVERTURE…

THE SOARING STRINGS BORE ME UP INTO THE SKY,

ICARUS TO THE LAST.

 

AND YOU DREW BACK YOUR WINGS,

JOINED ME IN THIS ADVENTURE,

AND YOU BID ME FLY HIGHER…

SO WE FLEW INTO THE SUN.

 

THIS IS THE POINT BEYOND ART,

YOU NEED WISTFULNESS TO MAKE ART,

BUT THE POET SATED SINGS NO MORE,

JUST CLINGS ON FOR DEAR LIFE.

 

AND THEN YOUR WINGS CATCH LIGHT,

AND YOU CRASH AND BURN…

AND YOU ARE ICARUS NOT ME,

I AM DAEDALUS… AND I FLY ON ALONE.

 

BUT I SEE YOU IN EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL,

AND MY HEARTS TEARS IN TO GOBBETS…

FRAGMENTS OF LOVE, SNIPPETS OF MEANING,

AND THE POETRY RETURNS.

 

BUT THE POETRY IS A FACSIMILE

OF THE HONEST TRUE LOVE,

NOTHING CAN REPLACE THAT FEELING,

YET STILL YOU CARRY ON…

LET’S JUST CARRY ON.

 

TO ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR, YOU DESERVE IT. WE ALL DESERVE IT.

DALE ‘M’