When my beloved was so shockingly taken from me, on that dark night of my soul, I was forced to lock away a lot of the despair, simply put, I tried to keep moving forward. The darkness I kept in Pandora’s box, was that without her life had no meaning. The way I managed to keep this black void out of my conscious thought was to cling on to my friend Janet. She allowed me to grab meaning from the simple two-step moving out of the darkness. Do I mean cling? I think so. It was comforting to have that other person to project upon. She became all the good things I could think of… but also all the bad. I placed her in an impossible position which she manfully laboured under for 4 years. She has finally realised that this was no longer a role she could continue with… I don’t blame her, but I do thank her.
So, I have now to face forward without a crutch, in essence its all about me now. She would say it was ever thus… maybe she would be right, I hope not, I would hope that I was cognoscente of her needs too… but maybe that’s just my pride. It means finding my own way, at last, and that is quite scary. I have very rarely been on my own. It requires a new mindset and I’m not sure I have it in me, but there is only one way to find out. Do it.
I’m doing it. But I want to thank Janet, she has been a true and trusted friend and partner, and deserves better than me.