Seems I might be a lot sicker than I thought. I was labouring under the impression that I was faking it successfully, until my other half of the we continuum pointed out that I was not there when talking to her… In fact I wasn’t anywhere. All the things that I have thought about myself need to be shelved. I have always been able to control my depressive nature by myself, always been able to pull myself through it with bloody minded determination… And I thought I was doing it until J made me realise I was making excuses as to why I couldn’t go visit her or my kids… Always had a potential excuse which saved me facing the reality… I couldn’t face going out. I seem to have developed anxieties about meeting people, even my nearest and dearest. Does anyone else feel like this? Is it a by-product of the lock-down? Is the very real mental health disaster that this pandemic has engendered probably a worse consequence than actual virus itself?
I’m asking the question because it feels pertinent at the moment.
Will it cause the socialisation of our society to fail?
In my sixty odd years on this planet I think that this could be far more deep reaching than even things like AIDS or the fall of the Berlin Wall… Its not just this country it is world-wide… All have become isolates, not part of a community, I think this could be devastating.
There I go again, turning away from my problems or issues, trying to turn it into a universal problem rather than unpacking what it is that’s going on in my brain.
I’m getting into a blind panic about socialising. I went to the shop the other day, and wanted to scream at all the people there… Terrifying.
Even going downstairs and talking to my parents fills me with dread. I think its the fact that I have to act. Make out that I’m more buoyant than I am… pretending to wave when I’m really drowning.
Please be assured that this is not to say I’m suicidal, I’m not… I would rather not be here, but the thought of causing pain to my family and loved ones is not something I can countenance. I’m not that type of person. I have never put my needs first in my life.
I am just searching for a way through this minefield. Anyone got a map?