Now, I have a date for Marie’s inquest. She was killed on the third of January, and her inquest is set for 24th October in Warrington… A town which to my knowledge, she never visited. Ten months after the event, I have to relive the whole scene. I have to face the whole awful truth:

  • The injuries she received
  • The photos from the scene
  • The driver of the tractor
  • and possible innuendo that she was suicidal

The prospect of all these eventualities being presented to me is fucking awful…

I had to identify her body by the tattoo of my name on her body. I wasn’t allowed to see her body, too gruesome… but I still see the scene every night when I wake up in a cold sweat!

So I have another two months to wait until these terrifying prospects have to be faced. Will this put an end to the traumatic effects of this life changing accident?

Of course not!

I lost everything that night. Everything! I lost the love of my life, my soulmate, I lost my home, my job, my future and my love of music. I have tried to make my life work again, but its so hard to keep going. I will be 60 in a couple of months, I don’t have great prospects… I haven’t worked since the accident. I have a bad back, a bad knee, a drink problem, and I chain smoke. I fish all day. It’s the only way I can stop the sadness, apart from painting, which I simply stopped doing two months ago…

I have a deep belief in Taoism, but I’m struggling to see what my continued existence is supposed to achieve. I ache to be with my soul mate.

This morning, I foolishly listened to my favourite songs. AS I cried my eyes out, a baby kestrel flew into the window of our conservatory. Then it flew off. This was a shamanistic occurrence, Marie and I always shared a love of birds of prey, and she has used Buzzards and Kestrels to show me the way to go.

Sorry, this blog is a bit confused, it’s 3 am here, and I’m awake…

Dale beloved of ‘M’

6 thoughts on “LOST

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